愛する事の意味

「愛したい」

「愛されたい」

人を愛する、又は愛されるというのはどういう事だろうか。

私は良く「愛されたい」とか「愛したい」と人が言っているのを聞いているが、具体的にどいうことなのだろうか。

愛は色々な形がある。

人を愛するというのは、本当にどのような事なのだろうか。

愛されるというのは、どのような事なのだろうか。

私は常に自分との親の愛の事について考える。主人との愛の事について考える。兄への愛、友人への愛。様々な愛があるのだが、人によってその愛が同じようで違う気がする。

愛する事の意味はいったいなんなのか。人それぞれ感じ方が違うので、非常に興味深いものであると、この頃思っている。

Why Are You Still Single?

How many people have you met throughout the course of your life whom you wanted to get married to?

In my previous introduction agency in Japan, we took some statistics from single Japanese women who came to us for a relationship consultation and asked them a few questions about why they were single. Specifically, one of the questions was “What was the average number of times you felt you had met the person you wanted to marry?”

The answer was interesting… over 98% answered they never met that person or they only met one person whom they thought they would like to get married to. We can go into analyzing these statistics but that is not my aim for this blog. I wanted to focus on this next question, “Why Do You Think You Are Still Single?”

I don’t know if you, the reader, are still single or if you are married but how many times did you meet someone whom you wanted to get married to in your life? If you are still single, why do you think that is?

If you are in your early 20s there is an understanding in this new age that people get married late so fair enough if you haven’t been looking or are not interested in getting married yet. However, if you are over 30 and you have not met a potential candidate in your life, why do you think that is the case? And if you did meet that potential lifetime partner of yours, why is it that you are still single?

You may have met some wonderful people in your life but for some reason or another, you were not (or he or she may not have been) ready for that committed relationship called marriage, or as we say to “tie the knot.”

Some people regret later in their life that they let that “chance” go by when they think about that old love affair they had. Some may regret that they didn’t “stick with it” and let the opportunity slip by. Some simple say they haven’t met the “right” person. And others may say, I’m not interested in getting married.

No matter what the reason is, if you are still single in your late 30′s and beyond and you are still wondering why you are single, then there must be a reason for this.

You may be stuck in the past and are not living in the “now” because of your regrets in your past relationships. Or you are hurt from your past relationship and are scared to love again. Or you may simply be so busy with your work and career that you don’t have an interest in building a serious relationship and will wait “until later.” Or you are having so much fun with multiple relationships and don’t think it’s necessary to stick to one person for now.

Or maybe you are waiting for that perfect person and are saving yourself for him or her. Well let me tell you… that perfect person does not exist baby. Look in the mirror and you will find your own flaws. We are not perfect so we can’t expect anyone else to be.

There is nothing wrong for being single. But we all know that love is a wonderful thing. When two people bond together in love, it can be the most magnificent feeling in this world. If you are single and happy, that is a lovely thing and I am very happy for you. It is great to love yourself and be happy with yourself.

It is sometimes much easier to be alone than to be with someone, let alone be married to someone who used to be a stranger to you at one time. But if you truly want to expand that happiness within you and grow as a person, being in a relationship – a marriage – will further expand your horizon and your capacity for love.

Just remember that if you haven’t met that special person whom you wanted to marry in all these years, keep your expectations in check and be aware of what you are looking for in a lifetime partner. I do not wish anyone to “settle” in any relationship but be sure that your expectations are realistic. Also be aware of how you portray yourself. If you come across desperate to those around you, you will be disappointed each time you meet someone because they will notice this desperation from miles away.

There are many ways for you to find your mister or miss “right.” Perhaps that is something I can write about in the near future. Watch this space.

Sending all my love to those who are single out there.

老いていく父

父の調子が良くないので早く帰ってくる様にと昨日母に言われ、今日一番に飛行機に乗って沖縄の実家に飛んできた。

毎月東京から沖縄に戻ってくるたびに、小さくなっていく父の姿を見ると非常に切ない気持ちになる。父は来月で９７歳。今まで元気でいたのにこの２−３年病院に出たり入ったりの繰り返し。その度に身体も心も弱くなっていくようだ。

以前は１８６cmで１４０キロぐらいある大きな体格をしてた父なのに、今では筋肉もなくなり、骨と皮のようだ。父の体重が私より軽くなる日が来るとは想像もしていなかった。あんなに怖かった父なのに。

あの頑固で人の助けを絶対に嫌がる強気の父が、今は介護のヘルパーの助け無しでは日常生活がおくれない。体力が無くなり、車いすからおりられなくなったので、おむつをしなくてはならなくなった。自分がまさかこの様に老いていくとは父は考えてもいなかっただろう。「なんでこんなに体力が無いのだろう。おかしい・・・」と首をかしげる父。

私と父とは５４歳も離れている。頑固で声も大きく、非常に怖い父親だったので犯行なんか出来る訳が無い。インテリで仕事もできる父なので、私は本当に尊敬していたし、父でありながら遠い存在の人でもあった。父とは決して近い存在では無いのだが、本当に心から私たちを愛している事は子供の頃から確信は持てていた。

そんなに怖かった父なのに、今はその面影すらない。

始めは父がトイレに行くのを手伝うのに動揺した。父の弱くなった姿を見るのが辛かった。何故か見てはいけないような気がして・・・でもそれもだんだん慣れていくのだと気がついた。人間は子供から大人へ、大人からまた子供になるのだなと。

そんな弱くなった父でも、こうして生きていて、側にいられるだけでも私にとって偉大な事である。もう少し、あともう少し、元気になって。後数年、元気で生きていてほしい。頑固で良いから。弱くなっても良いから。父に生きていてほしい。

父は自分がどんどん弱っていくのが屈辱なようだ。老いていく自分がどうも悔しいらしい。でも身体がもう言う事を利かない。泣いても笑っても若くはならない。もう長くは無いと弱音を吐く父。以前怖かった父も、今弱くなってしまった父も、生きていてくれるのならと願っている。

このように考える私は自分勝手なのだろうか。

Overcoming Challenges in International Marriages

Whether you are in a marriage with someone from the same country or in an international marriage, any type of marriage will require commitment, attention, dedication, and work.

An international marriage will require even more care because of obstacles (or in a positive light, “opportunities”) that you won’t have in a marriage where two people come from same countries and backgrounds.

There are top 3 issues or challenges that I think married couples face in an international marriage. I will explain this with an example of a wife who is Japanese and a husband who is a foreigner to Japan. I will also include ideas of how to overcome the challenges to guide you should you be in or are thinking about having an international relationship.

1. Language – oftentimes language can become a barrier to mutual understanding or a cause of arguments.

This is because “nuances” of words can mislead the intent of what he or she is trying to say. The best thing to do to avoid this type of challenge is to learn more about each other’s cultures and learn to communicate better in each other’s languages. Sometimes gestures work but again, a gesture could mean one thing in one culture and another in a different culture so we must be aware of these differences.

It does not mean that you must learn to speak a foreign language to have an international relationship but it does help. But mostly, having an understanding of “why” your partner does things will help alleviate unnecessary misunderstandings. The best way to avoid arguments is to sit back and focus on understanding before being understood.

2. Differences in values – values can come from various sources and it is more complex when they come from different cultures.

You might have personal values but you also have values that you learned from your parents, your society, and your country. Every culture and society has their own unique value system and you want to be aware of this when you start dating someone from Japan.

To avoid any possible uneasiness in the future, accept that cultural roots go deep and that people don’t change easily or quickly. If you cannot understand or feel uncomfortable with her culture, then it could be possible that the relationship is not a good match.

3. Sex role expectations – although Japanese women are becoming more independent and many are becoming career minded, they still like to be a woman and do not wish for “equality” in roles with men.

Women in Japan want to be treated fairly and with respect but not necessarily do they want to compete with men. They would like the man to lead and treat her as a lady, and when walking, they would like to be at the side of her partner rather than being in front or in back.

These days, if a man wants to keep her in the kitchen and at home, then he must first find out what her expectations are in a marriage. The best way to alleviate this situation is to talk with one another about which traditions they would want to carry on as a couple.

It is always wise to also discuss about children – how you both want them to be brought up. Other areas of discussion would be mealtimes, sex, clothes, holidays, finances, and chores.

International marriages are becoming more common these days in Japan and there are a lot of information on how to make things work so you always have a way to get help. Feel free to contact me should you have anything specific you would like to discuss.

Growing Up Half-Japanese and Half-American

I was born in Tokyo between my Japanese mother and American father. I used to hate being different from my peers who were either 100% Japanese or 100% American.

I grew up in Okinawa, the southernmost island of Japan, since I was 4 years old and left home to attend University in California when I was 17.

After graduating from the University of California at Berkeley, I came back to live and work in Japan. After a few years of working in Tokyo, I moved to England as an expatriate from my company to oversee markets in Europe, Middle East, Africa and Russia.

It was supposed to be a 3 year assignment but I got married to my English husband and lived in London for a total of 7 years. We just moved back to Tokyo in July 2009 to be closer to my parents as my mother is now 82 and my father is going to be 97 this year.

I used to hate it that I was doing things that were different from my peers but now I see how fortunate I am to be different.

Okinawans threw rocks at me yelling “Yankee Go Home!” while my American friends yelled at me with “You Jap!”

I always felt bad about how I grew up until I learned more about children in countries where there still is war going on.

I still remember being very confused as a child growing up in Okinawa. Was I an American? Was I a Japanese? Why do the children around my home throw rocks at me and yell “Yankee Go Home!”

Why do they say that I can’t visit their home because their parents or grand parents just didn’t approve of me? And yet at school, why do my school mates tease me as a “Jap” and don’t let me play games with them?

Which one am I – an American or a Japanese? These questions spinned around in my head all the time and I just couldn’t understand.

I asked my parents a few times when I just couldn’t stand it but I never got the answer I was looking for. When I asked my father or mother “which one am I?”, they always said “you are both.” It didn’t help because as a child your primary goal is to fit in your peer group.

I was always so different from people around me – what I wore, how I sounded, how I looked and even what I did. I also didn’t know why I was always being ostracized when I desperately wanted to fit in as a child. My parents said that I was very lucky and that people tease me because they are jealous with what I have.

I always thought it was my parent’s fault that I was like this (of course technically I am a result of their marriage) and I never thought they understood my feelings. I was always going to be half of something and never “whole.” I didn’t like it and I know it bothered me for a long long time.

As I think about it now, I don’t know what answer I was looking for from my parents but I certainly struggled to find out who I was.

It is only when I started to travel the world and study world history that I realized I really wasn’t that unique compared to other children who grew up in an international environment. As I started to get more familiar with European history, I was ashamed of feeling so sorry for myself when I was growing up.

There are more children who are a result of international marriages and some of these children are in countries where there is war. These children can speak several languages compared to only two that I speak. I thought I was different but boy, these children are unbelievable.

It was very difficult growing up being different but as we grow up and get older, it makes it more gratifying to be different. And it really is fantastic to be international as our world sees no boundaries. I love my background and I love what I have.

I love to be different and I am proud to be Tomoe Cooper!

I do have to note here though that there is a reason why the generation of people in Okinawa who experienced the Battle there hated the Americans. There is no reason why I had to be teased but Okinawa was the bloodiest battle of the Pacific War killing more people than from the atomic bomb dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

Until this day, Okinawans (they are Japanese but locally call themselves Okinawans) still have demonstrations against the US military bases demanding that they leave the island. You can find out more by going to the website and reading about the Battle of Okinawa.

So, if you take away just one thing from this… being different and international is GREAT!

I know this lens focused around me and who I am but I really wanted to emphasize and reach out to others who grew up in an international environment and felt that they just somehow didn’t fit in to their environment or social network.

I wanted to let other international children and adults know that it is okay to be different and that it will someday become an asset for you if you don’t think it is right now. Be proud of who you are and know that you are special.

Being different is actually a very good thing!

Long Distance Relationships

Despite the common belief, long distance relationships can work and can be a wonderful way to cultivate your relationship until you finally can come together.

But it all depends on the two parties involved. Without proper care and “feeding” the relationship with consistent communication and scheduled times to actually meet, it could be really tough to sustain the relationship.

One of my colleagues is dating long distance with a man in the US. She resides in London but they met in Tokyo. She is Japanese and he is English. They are really an international couple as they both lived and travelled around the world.

Hearing about their relationship was another example that long distance relationships could be challenging but it also could be great.

Both parties must work on the relationship and nurture the relationship from afar by consistent communication and a pre-determined, scheduled time in the future that they will meet. Consistent communication becomes key especially in long distance relationships because that is the only way you can let the other person know that you are “there” for them.

Their scenario is that they’ve been dating only a couple of months since they met in Tokyo. He’s busy traveling and is consistently on the go, busy with work, so it’s challenging for him to meet up with her in Tokyo or London, let alone contact her to let her know he cares.

She, on the other hand, is working in London and travels a lot as well. What’s interesting is that this month she doesn’t have any travel plans so she has more time on her hands. So what happens in this scenario? She has more time to think about him than he has time to think of her.

The funny thing about us human beings is that we can be negatively charged or positively charged with certain things. And most of the time we tend to think of the worse case scenario for something we care a lot about but are fearful of losing. This can also affect our thinking process.

Whatever we think about, whether it is positive or negative, this not only affects the way we feel but it also influences how we act. It is something to be aware of and be careful when you really want to make a relationship work.

If my friend was negatively charged, she might start to think of his silence to represent that “He doesn’t care about me anymore”, “He found another woman”, “Work is more important than me”, “He’s not a nice person” etc etc. This may sound absurd but this happens so often. Doubt creeps in.

The problem with this is that not only does it screw with your thinking, it also affects how you will react to your lover when he or she gets in touch with you. You will have something in your voice that is a bit hostile. You may say things you don’t mean to out of fear or anger. This will not serve you at all because your partner may not have any clue on how you are thinking!

On the other hand, if my friend was positively charged, she may start to think: “He’s so busy I hope he’s taking care of himself”, “I hope he’s having a great time in Tokyo now”, “He’s probably so bombarded with work he doesn’t have time to call me.”, “I look forward to the time we’ll be in the same city again.” etc etc.

How we are charged will determine what we think, and what we think will determine how we feel, and what we feel will determine how we act. The key is: we will act how we feel.

If my friend had a negative experience because of the things she was thinking, then she would act and show those negative feelings to her boyfriend when they finally get to connect. Likewise, if my friend had a positive experience because of the things she was thinking, then she would act and show those positive feelings to her boyfriend.

Which one would you think will help make their relationship happier and stronger? You probably guessed right. It’s the positively charged one.

The moral of the story is, be aware of how you think and feel about your long distance relationship when you’re alone. Long distance relationships are not that easy but they can be wonderful if you let it be.

貴方は自分を愛していますか？

貴方は自分を愛していますか？

このような質問に対して貴方はどう答えますか？自分を愛するってどういう事でしょうか？

自分を愛する事は、エゴの固まりとか自己中心的であるとか、自信過剰という事とは異なります。自分を愛するという事は、自分の長所や短所もすべて受け入れて、自分の事が好きであるって言う事。自分という人間が好きであるって言う事です。

自分を好きになるって事は非常に重要な事だと私は思います。何故なら、自分が好きでいられるという事は、他の人も自分を好きになる事が可能であると考えられるからです。自分が自分を好きでいるってことは、他の人も好きになれるという事です。又、自分が自分を好きでいるってことは、他の人からも好かれる事が出来ると考えられるからですy。自分が好きでない人は、他の人からも自分が好かれるとは思いません。思えません。

根本的に私たちは自分に一番厳しいと思います。ほとんどの人は、何か失敗や間違い等を起こしたら、他の人にけなされる以上に自分を一番迫ると思います。自分の過去の事をずっと引きずり、今でも自分を攻めたり、許せない人もいます。過去はもう戻りません。自分を許してあげる事は、今を生きる事に重要な事です。過去に生きているよりは、「今」を生きている方が幸せになれます。

貴方は自分を本当に愛していますか？愛しているのなら、貴方は他の人にも愛される資格があると心で思います。どんどん自分を愛せる様な人間になり、多くの方々に愛を与えられる、そして与えてもらえる様にして下さい。

Let Love Touch You.

Let Love Touch You